{Tenderness Tuesday}

First, thank you SO much for all your sweet words of encouragement on last week’s post as I started to share our story of infertility. It made my heart full and confirmed that this was the right decision.

Second, I hope to not bore anyone by dragging things out … but the truth is, it’s hard to summarize eight years of heartache, frustration, pain, growing, patience and peace into 1 or 2 posts. In fact, it was this topic that I thought of writing about for the ’31 days’ challenge back in October. I knew however that the timing wasn’t right, I didn’t have the physical or emotional energy to pour into that kind of commitment AND I didn’t want to force a post each day because I ‘had to.’ I don’t think it’ll take me 31 posts to fully share our story, but it might be several more … just warning ya ;).

Okay, back to where I left off … finding out that my husband was infertile.

We spent the next 3 years going to semi-annual ‘fertility checks’ for my husband with a goal of 10 million healthy swimmers {you catch my drift, right?}. 20 million + is normal. Remember we were starting with ZERO.

It was a long three years. Months of praying, hoping and waiting to see if there had been a change. A year in and we saw some improvement … there were 2! No not 2 million, just two. At the time it felt like God was just ‘testing’ me. Testing me with such a miniscule insignificant ‘improvement’ … to see if I’d see the blessing that something was happening. Sadly I didn’t. I was angry. I knew that God could turn that number to 20 million, I knew that He could allow me to get pregnant. And yet He didn’t. He gave us 2.

Two did eventually turn into 2 million which turned into 4 million which finally turned into 10 million. December 2010 and we FINALLY had the hope to try IUI {Intrauterine Insemination}. There was one more check about a week before we were to do the procedure. Our hopes once again came crashing down when we were told the count had reduced by 50% … not enough to go ahead with the IUI. Like I said before, a lot of times there is no rhyme or reason to explain male infertility. Since we had began to see improvement in my husband’s fertility we had never seen it go down. I was baffled. Confused. Heartbroken. Again.

The first year we were unable to conceive, before my husband got sick, I fell into a depression. I didn’t realize it at the time, but hindsight showed me what a dark place I was in for many months. In hindsight, it seems silly to have been so upset at such period of waiting. At the time though the only perspective I had was our first experience conceiving which was a two month wait. Perspective is a beautiful thing. It has been one of the greatest ‘tools’ in helping me come to terms with our journey.

{In fact if you know me well, you know how often I say that ‘So-And-So needs a good dose of perspective’ … and I mean it. I really will pray that God gives people perspective. Perspective shows you how good you have it … how much worse you could have it.}

In those three years we watched my husband’s fertility improve, I felt like I really had started to get a ‘handle’ on my situation and more and more was being drawn to Him. I would have great moments of clarity and peace only to have them turn into resentment and bitterness. An ebb and flow of turning to Him and turning away from Him.

I think the hardest part of finding out we could move forward with an IUI  and then finding out we couldn’t … is that I felt like the scars on my heart had just been ripped back open. I allowed myself to be hopeful. I took down my guard and this is what I got. Fresh tears and a new pain.

One of many songs that helped to turn my heart back to Him over and over again …

Until next Tuesday …

Comments

  1. Just beautiful. I love the idea of praying for praying for perspective…and Bring the Rain is one of my favorite songs. Thank you for the worship time this morning!

  2. Praying for perspective I will:) I don’t want to take away from what you are trying to blog about,but I have a situation too. Only my hubby is happy with one child, our Ayden. He doesn’t want anymore. This has taken me a long time to grasp and get over. I still have my moments and days. Praying for perspective is a great idea! Also,being grateful for my Ayden and ALL that he is to my hubby and I. Such an honor to be his mommy. Blessed.

    So once again thank you for sharing this story with the world:)

  3. Wow, I would definitely say that experience sounds just painful! Perspective, hope and comfort are all things I would have been praying for.

  4. You are one of the most amazing people that I know. It breaks my heart that you have gone through this struggle for so long, but I can see God working through you. You are such a joy and an encouragement. Happy Grand Prix!

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