{Tenderness Tuesdays}

Okay, here goes nothing … 

Hi! I’m Andrea, I’m 35 and I’m {er, we’re} infertile.

{… Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. ~Neh. 8:10}

Wait a minute? I just stole that line from Emmy? Yes, yes I did. Except, I did put my name in place of hers and we both happen to be 35 and well, I’m infertile. So I don’t think she’ll mind.

Over the years I’ve alluded to my our struggle to conceive another child in posts on this blog. Some more direct than others, but never have I shared our story. I suppose there are two main reasons for that. One is that it’s a very personal story and I wasn’t sure that this blog, if any blog, was the place to share it. Two, I think that I was waiting for the happy ending to the story. As though it needed to be complete before I shared it.

But, my heart’s main desire and my constant prayer {these days … it hasn’t always been so} through this trial is that He may use me and my situation to bring glory to Him. I can hardly do that if I keep it all to myself. I can’t reach out and encourage someone else walking the hardest road of their life if I hold it all inside. So, I think it’s time to share my story.

It really is more than just my story. It’s our story. My husband’s and mine and really now it includes our son too {although thankfully he is unaware of most of our struggle}. So, when I say my story, know that I mean our whole family.

I married young at 20 {my husband was 23}. I spent the next 5 years graduating from college, building our home {both figuratively and literally … we built two houses in those first five years} and working a glamorous job as a project manager in the trust department at a big bank. I anxiously awaited the day we could start growing our family and I could be a stay-at-home mama. Two months after deciding we were as ready as we could be, we got a positive pregnancy test.

I had the kind of pregnancy women love to hate. I had little to no true morning sickness. I felt great, was active and aside from going into premature labor at 31.5 weeks, I had a better than text book pregnancy. A few weeks of bed rest and what felt like an eternity waiting for our son to arrive {after trying to make an early appearance he had to be coaxed out 3 days after my due date} we finally had our family.

{Seriously, my heart … this is what I would wake up to … one happy boy!}

As if it wasn’t bad enough that my pregnancy and labor were ‘cake’ {seriously, during labor I was asking how much a surrogate got paid because it was that easy for me} … I had a baby that slept through the night by 6 weeks and was really an easy/happy baby. So it made perfect sense to me that around the time our Little was 9 months, we should start trying for our second. I figured why not get all the ‘babyhood’ out of the way at once. {I still say to this day, Thank you God for not giving me an 18 month old and a newborn.}

Well, a few months of trying and I started to get a little worried. Shouldn’t it happen as fast as it did the first time? A year later and many months of temperatures and charting, we still weren’t pregnant and I was put on Clomid. I took 2 rounds of Clomid with no success and then my husband got very sick with an autoimmune disease. In order to save his kidneys, he was put on an immuno-suppressant drug and we were told NOT to conceive during this time. He had to be on the drug for over a year and I thought that was going to be the longest year of waiting. I had no idea.

After my husband came off his drug regime, we had to have his fertility checked {skirting around using all the lovely terms here, but I think you know where I’m going}. To say that we were shocked by the results would be an understatement. The tests came back as if he was post Vasectomy. In fact, that is what the doctor thought we were there to verify. Zero, Zilch, Nada. Oh the devastation. I felt like all hope was sucked out of me in that moment. You see as a woman with fertility problems, there are hosts of tests and drugs and procedures you can go through. As a man, there are very few options and almost no guarantee that anything will bring that fertility back.

So the longest wait of my life began.

Have you ever waited for something for over 8 years? Waited for something so good and so right that comes from a desire planted in your soul from your very beginning? I know that some of you have. Some of you are still waiting. And some of you have no idea what that wait is like.

Today I can truly say, “Thank you God for the gift of infertility.” I can say it and 100% mean it and believe that it is in fact a gift. It has shaped who I am and I believe I am so much better for having walked this valley for eight years.

 But, it wasn’t always that way. Not at all. I’ll share how I got to a place of thankfulness and all the other ‘junk’ I had to experience to get there.

Oh and I’ll also explain why I didn’t start off the story with … Hi! My name is Andrea, I’m 35 and my husband is infertile. 

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it is hard to put so much of yourself out into the web world. I know you will help others by sharing. You have such a beautiful family. Looking forward to hearing more. I do think God has a plan for us all. And I believe we can learn the most during our most difficult times.
    xo Elizabeth

  2. thanks for being brave and vulnerable by sharing your heart and your story friend.

    {hugs} love you!

  3. So proud of you for putting this out there. I know God’s going to use your story to help someone.

  4. Oh girl. I LOVE that you are sharing this. So many people do not understand how you can already have a child and be “infertile.” We are. Two boys and no more. I can’t wait to hear your heart story!

  5. We walked that journey as well. A couple of our differences were that my first son took 2 years to conceive and I was the one with endometriosis. After he was born we had a terrible time getting pregnant using clomid and fighting huge cysts that would need surgery after surgery to remove. We got pregnant against all odds and lost the baby at 16 weeks. After that we proceeded to the “expensive” infertility docs and they shot our dreams with the comment that trying that would not help. They though my 30-someting self was going through menopause. We came to terms with God’s plan as well. I decided to go back to school and was in my first full-time year when against ALL odds – I found myself pregnant! I am truly a testimony that God is in control not the doctor’s. We have two beautiful babies – one is eleven and the other 18 months. Both were beyond worth the wait!

    You are doing the right thing – accepting your circumstances and believing and trusting in God. He will not lead you astray.

    Blessings,
    Jen

  6. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us Andrea !!

  7. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us today.

  8. I’m so excited that you decided to share your story Andrea! You will be so richly blessed by your openness, I promise!

  9. I have a friend who was told she and her husband could never have children. I don’t know the specifics, and who and what, but they adopted 6 kids. When she turned 40, she found out she was pregnant. Talk about shock! You never know God’s plans for you…

  10. so good to hear your story. thank you for being brave enough to share it.the world needs more confident, faith driven ladies to share their stories and help other women know they aren’t alone.

  11. Thank you Andrea:)

  12. Beautifully written! God is working in your life in so many ways!

    XOXO

  13. Very well written. I am anticipating hearing more of your story. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable, but every time I have, God has used it to minister to someone else. He gives my pain a purpose. I also find that he uses those times to bring me more healing and comfort as well. Not everyone knows the ache of infertility, but I do believe everyone can relate to the pain of waiting for God to fulfill our deep desires and reveal his greater plan. Congratulations to you for being brave and choosing to let others be comforted by your story!

  14. it takes a lot of courage on both your parts to put this out there but as rick warren says “god never wastes a hurt” and he will use your story to help others. he will use your hurt to help others that are hurting. you are a witness to christ’s unfailing love. i can’t wait to hear more of your story.

  15. I’m so glad you shared, Andrea. I’m positive it wasn’t easy for you, but you are a blessing. :)

  16. I’m sure your thankful heart is helping others with their wounds and encouraging them on their journey. Thank you for sharing the work the Lord is and has done in your life, what a great God we serve!

  17. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story, Andrea. I know it can’t be easy, but hope you found some peace in sharing your struggles. xoxo

  18. Thank you for sharing your story! You are a strong woman.

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