The surprise of all surprises + the gift of all gifts

I don’t even know how to begin to put it all into words.
I don’t even know that I fully understand the full breath of what I am feeling …

Have you ever waited on something for years and years and years?
Wanted and hoped and dreamed and at then mourned and grieved what you thought would never be?

Only to get that very thing that your heart and soul had longed for and given up on?

It’s a crazy amazing.

That’s what I keep saying about the complete surprise of coming home from a wonderful spring break to find out that after almost 11 years {123 months to be exact} I was pregnant.

Announcement-2

{Pause, Deep Breath}

If you don’t know my story with secondary infertility, you can read more about it in these posts.
The short version is that we had no trouble conceiving our first child and around the time he was 9 months, we started to try for our second. We tried and tried and tried (oh yes, there was no lack of ‘trying’) only to go through years of illness, immune suppressing drugs, fertility drugs and (2) failed IUI’s.

A little over 2 years ago I threw in the towel of trying anything except, well, “trying.”
I surrendered my plans and my control fully to the Lord, exhausted emotionally with trying to make things work and left feeling broken.
If I really believed God is who I say He is, could He not make this happen without my help??

A year later God gave me the opportunity to share my story at a wonderful conference called Choose Joy! An event designed to encourage and build a support network for people suffering from infertility or seeking adoption. If you know me, speaking in a group is one of the last things I ever want to do. I visibly shake, sweat and in general want to throw up … but, here’s the thing …

As I gave up control and surrendered my will to His, I prayed that God would daily remind me of the beautiful life I had, that I would be thankful for it and never miss another day wishing for what I thought was a better life AND that He would somehow use my {our} story for His glory. The second thing I prayed was, that IF another child was not in His plan, that He would take that desire away {He didn’t}.

… and wouldn’t you know, speaking to a group of people was quite a platform to use my story for His glory.

So, I went and spoke and it was so encouraging and moving and far greater than I could have imagined.
I had finally come to a place of peace, trusting in His will for my life whether I understood it or not.

This is not to say I didn’t still have hard days, difficult moments, monthly reminders and windows of false hope. But, I didn’t allow myself to stay in that mind-set, because when I did, I would try to take back control and my actions would tell God that He did not know what He was doing and that He had not given me enough in my life. Ouch. He gave me Jesus, His only son. If I had nothing else, that alone is so much more than I deserve. But He did and He does, He gives me more than I deserve every day.

As I thought about attending and possibly speaking at Choose Joy again this year (in May), I felt like the answer was no. That the timing wasn’t right, I wasn’t sure if there was anything ‘new’ I could share or what my purpose would be. Instead as I now know, I needed to be at home nurturing a new life growing inside {or surviving day-to-day if I’m being candid}.

{Pause, Back to “THE DAY”}

One thing that God spared me from during all these years of trying to conceive was miscarriage. I am so thankful for that. I have watched close friends go through the heartache of losing a child and while some may say that it gives you hope that you can get pregnant, I never saw it that way. God spared my heart from going through that kind of loss.

So, that being said, I was rarely to never ‘late.’ I had a pretty predictable (albeit shorter than average) cycle. I should have started right as we left on vacation {awesome}, but I didn’t. A few days later and out of my normal routine, I realized that I was late for my cycles, but not late by a normal cycle. A few days later and I was late by any cycle. By the time we got back home it was day 35. I was still in denial.

In fact, the first test I took was negative and the second was positive (both were expired).
Hmmmm.

2 (new) tests were positive.
It would seem I was pregnant and yet my reaction was nothing like I’d pictured for the last 10+ years.

I had so guarded my heart each month {after month after month} from thinking about the ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ that I couldn’t even process what I felt.
Elated. Scared. Unbelief. Amazement. Shock. Thankfulness, such deep thankfulness.

God is so very good and so very funny.

Let me be clear though that God would be just as good and I would be no less blessed if He had chosen not to give me this gift.

Not only did God give me the gift of pregnancy + another child, but He gave me the gift of walking through it with one of my best friends (and niece-in-law) who is due 13 days before me.
I like to joke that we planned it.
Our family is going to have quite the November.

I went to my first appointment and ultrasound (something new to me since my last pregnancy) and was so worried. It probably sounds crazy but a part of me thought that maybe I was making all of this up. Willing myself to feel pregnant, wondering if there wasn’t another explanation for the positive tests. Sensing my worry, the technician confirmed a baby + a heartbeat within seconds.

11191434_705947342849574_1653651545_n@knittybitties on Instagram

I know that some may think that I shared a little too early, that there are still risks + chances of miscarriage and a little part of me agrees. The bigger part of me though continues to pray that God’s glory would be seen through our story and so for me, that means sharing this gift and celebrating every day I get with this little life. And let me tell you, one of my greatest joys has been surprising others with this incredible news and watching them delight in the Lord’s work.  I do pray daily that God will let me meet this amazing little person that He waited 11 years (baby is due almost exactly to the day 11 years since we started trying) to create, I believe He has big plans for this miracle!

Leaving you with one of my favorite songs which I think beautifully shares our journey::

Sovereign Over Us

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding, You’re teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever, Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways
Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace
Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
Youʼre working for our good, Youʼre working for our good and for your glory

Comments

  1. I am so very happy for you. I had never heard the phrase “secondary infertility” until I read your story a while ago. Soon after I experienced my own story with becoming pregnant a second time. When I saw your IG post I was so excited for you. Congratulations, and thank you.

  2. chills… so amazing and this song is beautiful!! congratulations… the story is such a good reminder of god’s sovereignty.

  3. Jessics says:

    Oh my heart! This is just beautifully written! I’ve been honored to walk alongside you as we be our crazy pregnant selves. Your heart through this whole process has been to honor God and you’ve been such a great example of that! Love you!

  4. Kelly O. says:

    my most heartfelt congratulations to you! what a beautiful witness and ministry the Lord has lead you through.

  5. Congratulations seems too hollow a word. I’m just so happy and thankful that this miracle has come to you and your family. Bestest wishes for a safe and healthy pregnancy. I’ve read your words and followed your adventures for over 5 years now. Although my own challenges have lead me down roads I never thought I’d travel, through it all I can testify of God’s love for His children. May His choicest blessings and tender mercies fill your cup.

  6. Margaret says:

    Congratulations to you. I went 6 years and 2 miscarriages before I had my second daughter. I know how the heartache that comes from the long wait. Both my daughters are such a joy to me.

  7. Jen Smith says:

    What a beautiful picture of the goodness of God. I have read your stories and heard how much you longed for another baby and through it all you stayed faithful to the One who had everything in his hands. I know that the last 11 years had to have been tough, full of heartache and bittersweet moments when friends and family were getting babies and your arms were still empty but you stayed the course, you ran with endurance the race set before you and you can see the finish line! Praise God for his good and perfect gifts! And btw, from the second I saw your instagram post my first thought was ‘she gets a little girl’. Weird huh? Can’t wait to see if I’m right :0)

  8. sarah o says:

    A huge congratulations! & blessings for a healthy pregnancy & babe!

  9. I am loving all of your announcements! This blesses my heart so much. I am beyond excited and overjoyed for you and your family! Also, the safety pin picture might just be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

  10. charlotte m. says:

    Congratulations on your newest blessing. God has the plans, doesn’t he? I wish you the best.

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